Instapot-Murderer of my Soul

My friend invited me into the Instapot Facebook Community. They have accepted me. 

On the one hand, this means I will be able to feed my family.
On the other hand, it means that my artistic soul has perished into a fire.

I will have a full stomach after making chicken pot pie  but look closely at my eyes. 

They are nothing but burnt out coals. 

Mommy Darkest
Room 113

Berlin; The hotel I’m staying in is clearly haunted. On every floor, each side of the wall is painted a different color. On my floor, the left side is blood red and the right side a manic yellow. It is very disconcerting and leaves one feeling lopsided. 

There are no cupboards or dressers in my room but across from my bed, there is a massive plastic coated blown up photo of a woman gently trying to remove her eye.

All other furniture in the room is oversized and on wheels. This includes the plush Goldilocks like chairs in the lobby downstairs. No one sits in these chairs. 

Earlier on, I opened my door on to hallway into pitch darkness. I let out a scream and had to use the flashlight app on my phone. I took two tentative steps when reluctantly one by one the bulbs slowly flickered on. 

“ Yessss” responded  the desk clerk when I asked about it. “Zay are all on motion zenzors.”

I will be sleeping with the bathroom light on. If I sleep. 

Most horrifying of all, breakfast is not included.  

 Zweet Dreams.  

Zweet Dreams.  

Just a thought

I personally believe that people who whistle loudly and cheerfully,especially ones who do it in a enclosed space i.e an elevator from which I cannot escape, should be put to death. 

Mommy Darkest
Pembe is unsympathetic

A devastatingly good-looking man stopped me in the street today. 

“Excuse me,” he said, “but I believe this is yours. He placed a small fuzzy monkey on a keychain into my palm. 

“Pembe!” I shrieked and clutched him to my chest. 

“Thank you” I breathed up at the man. I  remembered that I had been eating tzatziki straight up like an animal with my hands and hadn’t gotten around to brushing my teeth. I also tried to suck in my stomach, but it was hard given that I am five months pregnant. 

“No problem,” he smiled and continued on his way. 

I stood for a moment staring at his elegant back, trying to remember when a guy had last stopped me in the street. 

“Oh Pembe,” I said sadly. 

“Whatever,” said Pembe, “He was probably gay. Call your husband.” 

So I did. 

Other People’s Children

There is always one kid in the playgroup or class who’s a psychopath.  It’s always the one whose mother has already fled the room. In this case the kid is called Alvin.  That’s a terrible thing to do to a child. Now he has no choice but to be a psychopath, just to have people take him seriously. 

Mommy Darkest
I'm so sorry

After the class parent’s trip to the Museum we entered a restaurant with six screaming toddlers, one wailing infant, and eight panicked adults. We stood in a group ineffectually yelling at our children while waiters ran around trying to accommodate with extra high chairs, kid’s menus and crayons.  

The patrons who had been enjoying a relaxed lunch put down their cutlery and stared at our group with the most loathing and hatred that I have ever encountered. I longed to run and join them, but I was blocked by my own stroller, so all I could do was mouth “I’m so sorry,” over and over again. 

Mommy Darkest
Marriage

We wake up to a gigantic snowstorm and push our stroller through five inches of slush and snow for an hour of group play and singing. It is 35 degrees. 

“This is SO much better than Disney World.” I tell my husband. He wipes the sleet from his glasses with blue fingers and pretends not to hear me. 

I think a lot of marriages are preserved this way.

 

Mommy Darkest
Nannies

An intrepid mother is organizing a trip to a museum for all the class parents and their offspring. She’s booking a pizza lunch afterwards. 

One mom has just written that they are in for the museum, but they are unable to make it to the pizza lunch, because she’s taking her older daughter skiing. Also, her nanny will be accompanying her younger daughter to the museum.  

But really, it was unnecessary to tell us this- as the majority of parents are sending their nannies. 

Sadly, for my daughter, I will only be sending myself. 

Mommy Darkest
It’s Not a Competition. As Long As You Win

Today in my daughter’s music class, the musician offered the microphone to a bunch of little kids and encouraged them to sing. They were useless, toddling up but remaining mute. Affecting modesty when they’d spent the session screaming out the names of colors (often incorrectly) trying to murder their siblings and throwing shakers and bells across the room. 

One by one they stood there, silently squandering their chance to be in limelight. Finally, it was my daughter’s turn. Slowly, and with deliberation she took the mic.  She sang Itsy-Bitsy Spider flawlessly. 

She killed the room. Other parents kept throwing me glances of envy.

I was too busy weeping tears of joy. Too busy living in the moment to film it and then post it on social media.

I will never forgive myself. 

Mommy Darkest
Summer House

I have been asking other class parents what they do regarding the summer and keeping their children occupied.

One mom suggests that as an alternative to camp, we might want to hire a live-in student for the summer. That’s what she did last year for her kids. She says that it’s a great option if my husband and I want lots of summer dates and weekend help.

She’s right. That would be a great option. 

The mom goes on to admit that it might get a bit tight in a New York apartment, but tells me that it worked out well in their summer house.

I too have a summer house. 

It is called my apartment. 

Mommy Darkest